A lie of omission is a lie nonetheless

So the years have gone by, push/pull etc...some really good times, a whole lot of misery - always with the feeling that the other shoe was about to drop...

When you told me "I have to do this my own way" WAY back before you moved here, the reason you "felt exposed" was because in addition to your lovely Hawaiian girlfriend, you neglected to mention your WIFE in Portland...the one you would be so upset to be divorced from...

I know, "it was awkward"...

I'm just trying to decide if I think you are more WEASLEY, because you are incapable of being honest, or more MEASLEY, because you are incapable of any real emotion.  At this point, it's a toss-up.

I'm still angry

I keep thinking that I've let it go, but then something pops up in my brain (DAMN YOU SMART GIRL)
such as:

"it didn't end well" 

what the fuck were you thinking when you said that?  'cause I'm wondering how you think it ever even started?

you are selfish and all about yourself.

and yes, this blog is going live again, liar.

someday.

The end of Austin One?

Well, this blog has certainly gone by the wayside since J - and now maybe he's gone.

In a nutshell:

He said 'I am sorry if you had expectations'.

He said 'I am not emotionally available to you'.

He said 'I am a committment phobe'.

I may have heard 'I just don't love you yet'.

It wasn't that he wasn't honest.  It was that he wasn't completely honest...and I of course, never asked anything...about anything.

The Relocation of AustinOne (finally)

J arrived today. FINALLY! It has been such a long time coming, and such ups and downs, and the communication breakdowns...not having talked about anything except the move in ages.

Picked him up at the airport. Drove to his apt and looked around - will be nice - comfortable.  Then went over to Dino BBQ - a 2 hour wait - walked over to River Street - went to Jose Malones.  Margarita, butternut squash and apple bisque, and beet salad. So yum.

Went to the apt where he is staying (his out of town friend.)  watched a PBS show on the tsunami, the science behind how it happens.  It was so normal :)  sitting on the couch cozy up.

very happy to see him.

Winter Break spent at Work

It's just crazy how busy it is.  Sunday evening 4 hours, monday morning 4 hours, Tuesday double, wednesday 4 hours, Thursday double Friday 12, Saturday 12.

If I live, I'll be happy on Payday.

Weekend in Austin

AE at Drew's house 1/16/11

Savion Glover at the Egg

Alejandro Escovedo at Drew's House December 13th

The Kings Speech

December 30th at the Spectrum with CM

easier said than done

love and other drugs

127 Hours

Fair Game 11/19/10

Pretty good.  I like Naomi Watts and of course love Sean Penn.

The thing I always realize when watching a 'historical' fiction, or something based on reality - is 'Where was I when this was going on?'...of course I (vaguely) remember the name Valerie Plame, but don't really remember Joe Wilson or the events surrounding the outing-but I should, and really it's shameful that I wasn't paying enough attention.  It started with the bullshit non-existent WMD that the war was based on.
What this movie really does serve up is a reminder of what a bunch of crooks there are up at the top - Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and countless others, including GWB...
asking the question all over again - who knew what and when did they know it....twisting the truth or just making up stuff to suit the needs of the day. 
Now that GWB is out trying to sell his book, which I think is another way to shape his 'legacy' - selective memory and reinventing history, I am glad of the timing of this movie. 
He was on Leno the other night - NOT that I ever watch that show, but as I was flipping channels, I guess I was really flipping him the bird HAHA

Hereafter

The Full Beaver Moon

From the Farmers' Almanac:

Full Beaver Moon – November This was the time to set beaver traps before the swamps froze, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Full Beaver Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now actively preparing for winter. It is sometimes also referred to as the Frosty Moon.

Here's the view even though it isn't technically full till after midnight. 

Sufficiently Chastised

Cupid Chastised 1613 Bartolomeo Manfredi (1582-1622)

Trying to figure out exactly what J was saying to me last night.  Has everything up to this point just been grooming?  I have wondered that for awhile now, but then he sends a text like "it's also nice being an early adopter myself", and I totally get drawn back in.

I feel like my cheeks have been burning since the conversation. 
Yes, of course I know you have a Hawaiian Girlfriend, I've heard she's lovely and you are faithful to her. 
You have also said something like "I have to do something about that",
about not knowing if she sees other people,
about having had 5 girlfriends (?),
and about leaving your 'current' person behind in Austin.

and the email you sent :Thank you for asking me last night how my day was. It's been a long time since anybody asked that, or seemed like they cared. It was nice.

Fuck you.

I am not trying to marry you or be your 'girlfriend'...just trying to find a place where I can be happy 'in the bubble' ( the new bubble paradigm HAHA) and if we're only on that level, then maybe I can overlook your shitty comments like 'tight and juicy', cause I wouldn't expect you to say that about a person you respected.

 Now I feel stupid.  I must not have that many folds in my brain.

Or have I completely misinterpreted what was said?  When you said you felt exposed,  are you paranoid about the Hawaiian Girlfriend searching my blog and finding you out?   All this ambiguity.  Who can stand it?

Call me if you ever get here.  We can see what's up then.

Provence Beaujolais Nouveau Dinner

Dinner with H at Provence for the restaurant anniversary/introduction of 2010 Beaujolais Nouveau special.  4 course Prix Fixe menu.  So incredibly delicious. 
The most wonderful taste was in course 2:

Pan Seared Diver Scallop with Maine Lobster, Leek Soubise Ravioli with Thyme/Chive Vin Blanc.
I forgot my camera though, so you will just have to imagine what that little plate of heaven was.

Provence menu

The Situation

This is a problem.

The wanting.

The waiting.

The 8 weeks past, with still 6 weeks to the end of the year. The open-ended-ness of it all. 

The daily phone calls, the texts, the emails...all kind of  fizzling in interest and intensity - who can sustain this indefinitely?

But...I know J has the potential to be exactly what I want, to be a certain 'perfect fit' for me...

So frustrating.

Elephant in the room?





What elephant? she says, as she trips over the trunk...

I don't know what you're talking about. 

Want a peanut?