easier said than done

love and other drugs

127 Hours

Fair Game 11/19/10

Pretty good.  I like Naomi Watts and of course love Sean Penn.

The thing I always realize when watching a 'historical' fiction, or something based on reality - is 'Where was I when this was going on?'...of course I (vaguely) remember the name Valerie Plame, but don't really remember Joe Wilson or the events surrounding the outing-but I should, and really it's shameful that I wasn't paying enough attention.  It started with the bullshit non-existent WMD that the war was based on.
What this movie really does serve up is a reminder of what a bunch of crooks there are up at the top - Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, and countless others, including GWB...
asking the question all over again - who knew what and when did they know it....twisting the truth or just making up stuff to suit the needs of the day. 
Now that GWB is out trying to sell his book, which I think is another way to shape his 'legacy' - selective memory and reinventing history, I am glad of the timing of this movie. 
He was on Leno the other night - NOT that I ever watch that show, but as I was flipping channels, I guess I was really flipping him the bird HAHA

Hereafter

The Full Beaver Moon

From the Farmers' Almanac:

Full Beaver Moon – November This was the time to set beaver traps before the swamps froze, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Full Beaver Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now actively preparing for winter. It is sometimes also referred to as the Frosty Moon.

Here's the view even though it isn't technically full till after midnight. 

Sufficiently Chastised

Cupid Chastised 1613 Bartolomeo Manfredi (1582-1622)

Trying to figure out exactly what J was saying to me last night.  Has everything up to this point just been grooming?  I have wondered that for awhile now, but then he sends a text like "it's also nice being an early adopter myself", and I totally get drawn back in.

I feel like my cheeks have been burning since the conversation. 
Yes, of course I know you have a Hawaiian Girlfriend, I've heard she's lovely and you are faithful to her. 
You have also said something like "I have to do something about that",
about not knowing if she sees other people,
about having had 5 girlfriends (?),
and about leaving your 'current' person behind in Austin.

and the email you sent :Thank you for asking me last night how my day was. It's been a long time since anybody asked that, or seemed like they cared. It was nice.

Fuck you.

I am not trying to marry you or be your 'girlfriend'...just trying to find a place where I can be happy 'in the bubble' ( the new bubble paradigm HAHA) and if we're only on that level, then maybe I can overlook your shitty comments like 'tight and juicy', cause I wouldn't expect you to say that about a person you respected.

 Now I feel stupid.  I must not have that many folds in my brain.

Or have I completely misinterpreted what was said?  When you said you felt exposed,  are you paranoid about the Hawaiian Girlfriend searching my blog and finding you out?   All this ambiguity.  Who can stand it?

Call me if you ever get here.  We can see what's up then.

Provence Beaujolais Nouveau Dinner

Dinner with H at Provence for the restaurant anniversary/introduction of 2010 Beaujolais Nouveau special.  4 course Prix Fixe menu.  So incredibly delicious. 
The most wonderful taste was in course 2:

Pan Seared Diver Scallop with Maine Lobster, Leek Soubise Ravioli with Thyme/Chive Vin Blanc.
I forgot my camera though, so you will just have to imagine what that little plate of heaven was.

Provence menu

The Situation

This is a problem.

The wanting.

The waiting.

The 8 weeks past, with still 6 weeks to the end of the year. The open-ended-ness of it all. 

The daily phone calls, the texts, the emails...all kind of  fizzling in interest and intensity - who can sustain this indefinitely?

But...I know J has the potential to be exactly what I want, to be a certain 'perfect fit' for me...

So frustrating.

Elephant in the room?





What elephant? she says, as she trips over the trunk...

I don't know what you're talking about. 

Want a peanut?



  



unexpected hilarity and a morning overview

This absolutely is not what I was looking for but it really made me laugh, so my bitchy rant about #3 making me late for work is put on hold, and I'll have forgotten about it later anyway.

this comic came from http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/102805/

So here are the good things that happened this morning:  Rocky woke me up at about 5:15 to go out.  Didn't feel like a good thing at the time, but it was - I was up in the peaceful time of the morning.  Took Choochy for a walk and ran into my old friend (the old man- don't know his name) walking his new dog. Chatted for a minute, glad to know it's his car I see parked at the gates in the morning.  Even though I think I'm always safe with Che, it's still good to know who is in the park when I am there - especially when it's still dark.

143 on the scale. Ok it's up, but down from yesterday.  I have to get myself under control.  I am not moving enough, maybe I can get the turbo jams cranked up after school - before work tonight. 

161 BG.  Checked it when I got to work.  Much better than yesterday morning in the 260s.  Now if I can only make myself take the meds... (but i hate medicine, waaaahhhh)  If it takes 3 weeks for the pills to get to therapeutic and I can only make myself take them for 1 to 2 weeks, I will never get my sugar equalized.  WTF is my problem??? Do I love seeing the disgusting foot ulcer people? oh, that was the visual I needed...where's my damn pills?

#3 Went to school without a world war.  Late yes, and made me late, yes.  But he went and no big blow-ups and now that I am thinking about it, I will text him a thanks for going - he is trying.

Had a big hug from a kindergartener, right before he coughed on me.  Remember what's important, then spray myself with lysol afterwards.

The Book Thief -revisited

So the church lady book group was reading the Book Thief this month...I have not been going lately (didn't want to read Garrison Keillor for October, and was away for the summer), so when Jackie told me this would be the book, I knew she chose it because I love it.  It was like a personal invitation to come back.

So I read the first 400 pages over the weekend (it is a quick read), but put off finishing it till this afternoon because I knew it would be emotionally draining - this is a book that makes you just sob towards the last few chapters, although it does end very uplifting, not depressing at all. I love this book.  I think I blogged about it already last year.  So yes, I STILL love this book.

Jackie didn't get back from the weekend on the Cape, unfortunately.  Nobody else either finished the book, started it, or had anything to say about it.  What a waste of time!  I don't think I am going to be staying with this group.  The Panera group meets at the same time and they are more into the books than the visiting.

The Search for Meaning

This is something I struggle with.  Often.  I'm not depressed. I just know that nothing is really lasting or meaningful.  You do your stuff, whatever it is, knowing that it will not have meant a thing in the long run.  I can see this clearly.  I just can't figure out where the line is - between doing great things and just saying screw it all.

In the meantime, I guess this is something to believe - one great truth:

HAHA everytime I read this I just crack up.  The one truth in life.

Alejandro Escovedo - Anchor

Incredible show by Alejandro and David, at Live at Drew's.

Kick Drum Heart - The Avett Brothers

It's not the chase that I love, it's me following you.

What a week

Coming off the disappointment of last weekend...

Monday - CPS visit - kid pleading with the worker not to tell his mom he 'told'
Tuesday - CPS visit - kid shot in face with a bb gun by brother
Wednesday - meeting regarding the family who won't immunize their kids (among other things)
Thursday - Double at the main hospital.  Patients in the hallway at 0700, and nonstop for most of the day.  Logged miles and all of a sudden those Rocket Dogs don't seem so comfy.
Friday - never been so happy for a TGIF.  Professional Development at the schools, and no kids, so I am home.  Maybe a movie later, if I can make it out of my pjs.

How am I doing? Not bad to a 22 year old.

Well, I thought I was ok, but judging by the amount of carb loading going on around here....maybe I'm not so good.

more later.

UPDATE: So due to the critical carb intake, I figured might as well just do it up right....Went to WTs for the Dubliner Lobster Mac and Cheese to go.  While I was waiting, had a Newcastle.  Young man sits next to me, like in my personal space next to me...introduces himself, slurring slightly. 
Asks me how old are you, 30?  I didn't say don't you know you don't ask that question, since it was so funny...30. How many beers does it take a 22 year old to think I look 30?  I told him exactly, and he said OK.  He was trying to kiss my hand and my hair....meanwhile I was thinking where the hell is my macaroni!! 
So then he says: How bout if you just kiss me once, and if it's not good, then I won't bother you anymore.  Is that the most hilarious thing you ever heard?  I did not say, Sonny, I could make your toes curl, make you find religion and cry out for your own mommy...I said oh, that's sweet.  Right then my food was ready and I left but this was good for my ego, I admit it.

Stone

Part two of the double feature...Cheryl met me for this one.
The quick synopsis from IMDb:
 "A convicted arsonist looks to manipulate a parole officer into a plan to secure his parole by placing his beautiful wife in the lawman's path."
This was not a big action movie; the action was all taking place in the interactions (dialogue-driven)- the interview scenes, the seduction scenes, the final scene between Jack (DeNiro) and Stone (Norton)...early on in the film Stone asks Jack if they are really so different- hasn't he ever done anything wrong? Which I think was huge...how many things in life are decided split second with long lasting consequences...The opening scene, with Jack holding the baby out the window-could have gone either way at that point....
oh and Milla Jojovich is so amazingly gorgeous...
Overheard walking out:
1.That was terrible. 2. Boring
We thought it was GREAT! I have a new respect for Edward Norton, I thought he was amazing in this role.

Mao's Last Dancer

Saw two movies today.  First I have been wanting to see this one, but nobody ever wanted to go and then it was only playing at 4pm.  It was in the smallest theater at the Spectrum, but surprisingly, it was full (of senior citizens).
This movie is based on the autobiography of Li Cunxin, a Chinese dancer whose defection in 1981 was front page news.  It was ok, a little corny in places but overall, I liked it. 

Exhale

Amazingly, I'm not really feeling bad.  I'm surprised actually. I did cry on the laundry on Thursday night, but it was quick and done, time to regroup. Why so sad, panda bear?
Whatever happens is gonna happen, so let it go...

Daisy Baker's Troy NY

Jackie and I went to Daisy's prior to the Colin Hay show. This is a really nice place, and if it wasn't in Troy (I don't mean that disrespectfully!), I bet I'd go here more. It's just not convenient for anything but the TSB shows. The last time I was there was before the Joe Jackson show - what was that-2 years ago? That also was the time I said I am never going to the TSB again, since the echo around the hall was awful for that show.
Anyway...had a pint of ? I forget, Sierra Nevada maybe? We split the calamari, tuna tagaroshi and a lobster cake. Good stuff. The lemon chive cream cheese on the lobster cake was so surprisingly different and good.

http://www.daisybakers.com/

Colin Hay at the Troy Savings Bank Music Hall

Jackie went to see Colin Hay with me - It was a good time, of course he is hilarious and played the favorites - also took advantage of the acoustics in the hall and sang I Don't Know Why (from the Going Somewhere CD) acapella. Some of the schtick was the same, but it is so funny - the Batman, he lives here too story, and the 'goats' fade away story.  He was real sweet to a little kid in the front row, and gave him the guitar pick he used for 'Overkill'.  The flip captured my favorite song:

What did I do to get ready?

The other day J asked me what I was doing to get ready for his visit.  That question made me freak (on the inside) and I asked him what do you want me to be doing? Never answer a question with a question, he said...so I just refused to answer it - I said you'll just have to be surprised....
Instantaneous anxiety.  Instantaneous Hawaiian Girlfriend, and a million other things that make me feel vulnerable. Why? Why? Why? I know I am fabulous, smart, funny AND I have mad skills (yes, I CAN resuscitate you, in more ways than you think...)
So here's the answer:
Lost 19 pounds
got a haircut, trimmed the ends, colored it, got my eyebrows done.
took the weekend off
bought the famous lilac shampoo (YES, it IS worth $20)
moisturized DAILY! (that is a really big thing haha)
bought Victoria Secret thongs, black.
went tanning - If I get skin cancer now, I am going to be seriously pissed at you J.
trimmed and/or shaved everything
tried on half the closet looking for the perfect blend of hot and cool
put on some jewelry
bought new shoes (well, those aren't ONLY for the weekend)
got the oil changed, tires rotated and inspection done (had to get the low tire light to turn off!)
vacuumed the car, personally, since I was supposed to be the chauffeur
and here's the biggest thing, the most personal thing I could give - bought everything to have ready for this:

Yes friend,  I almost baked you a pie.

Emotional Eating

So when I took #3 to his morning spot at Dunkin Donuts, I was standing in line waiting for my coffee and his bagel and I ordered myself one as well.  One plain bagel, toasted, with plain cream cheese.  A total of 470 calories and 66 carbs.  More carbs in one meal than I have been eating in 2-3 days...did not give me the euphoria I was hoping for...now instead of just being unhappy, I am bloaty and unhappy....
(but 141this morning, even after the bagel, so all is not lost.)

Disappointment

Per wiki, disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.  'the feeling of dissatisfaction'.  Somehow, I don't really think that sums up how I feel right now. It doesn't sound bad enough. Eating handfuls of honeycomb straight from the box is making me feel worse, I know (especially now at 141.5)

So J isn't coming up.  I cognitively understand that he cannot travel due to a health issue.  Actually, I was kind of prepared for it, all my worrying and anxiety of the last few days helped me to pretty much expect it - it's not really a self-fulfilling prophecy though, because
to the best of my knowledge,
I can't make people require emergency surgery.
(But just IMAGINE if I could!!)

Life Death Love and Freedom

Love this record.  Love love love it.
There is a song on this album called For the Children. It's kind of a life lessons to pass down song - It grabbed me from the first listen, because the backup girl's vocals are so close to his...no big harmonies, she is singing right on top of him - just something about the way they sound together that I love. Anyway...there is a line in this song:
'I have worried 'bout many things, most of which did not come to pass....'  I should remember that when I am having my inner freakouts...

Are my eyes bugging out? omg - the anxiety

Ok, so waiting to find out if J is visiting this weekend.  A visit that was suggested by him and planned 5 weeks ago.  As it's been getting closer, my confidence and trust are dropping at the same rate that my stress and anxiety are rising.
I am sure there is an easy way to map that and insert a visual diagram here (an engineer would know how to do that HA!).
Our conversations of late have been decidely non-sexual and fairly platonic. I realize this has been a very busy time for him at work, but HEY! what happened to 'I will know you' or 'missing you and PK' ?
I hate when I think I am needy- looking for a lot of engagement and reassurance when I could just be happy. I know I have this tremendous variability of trust - of never fully believing that what a person is saying is the same thing as what they are thinking/feeling.  Not good.  I have been the wanter before, and I sure don't want to do that again.  What a confidence killer - a spirit breaker- years later I still feel it and know I am not the same.  But...is the fear of being the wanter worth never letting anybody in?  I don't think so.  I feel like I might be ready, but maybe I am using faulty logic again.
*found this anxiety girl picture on google. gotta love her*

Election Day - Obama wants me

to meet him in Las Vegas.  Now, Mr President - do  you think you are the first person to say that to me? Anyway, I have been getting emails from the man that say things like -for a $3 donation you can be entered into a drawing to go to LV, because the president WANTS to meet you -  Yesterday, he asked me to vote for the Dems, and today's email says I should make sure to vote, and bring 3 friends with me... I get it.  Just don't think 3 friends will be enough...

Honeycrisp Apple-Is there anything better?