Disappointment

Per wiki, disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.  'the feeling of dissatisfaction'.  Somehow, I don't really think that sums up how I feel right now. It doesn't sound bad enough. Eating handfuls of honeycomb straight from the box is making me feel worse, I know (especially now at 141.5)

So J isn't coming up.  I cognitively understand that he cannot travel due to a health issue.  Actually, I was kind of prepared for it, all my worrying and anxiety of the last few days helped me to pretty much expect it - it's not really a self-fulfilling prophecy though, because
to the best of my knowledge,
I can't make people require emergency surgery.
(But just IMAGINE if I could!!)